Monday, October 31, 2005

more startling data

Earth's Seasons
Equinoxes, Solstices, Perihelion, and Aphelion1992-2020
d h d h m d h m
Perihelion Jan 2 01 Equinoxes Mar 20 12 33 Sept 22 22 23
Aphelion July 5 05 Solstices June 21 06 46 Dec 21 18 35
Perihelion Jan 4 15 Equinoxes Mar 20 18 26 Sept 23 04 03
Aphelion July 3 23 Solstices June 21 12 26 Dec 22 00 22
Perihelion Jan 3 20 Equinoxes Mar 21 00 07 Sept 23 09 51
Aphelion July 7 00 Solstices June 21 18 06 Dec 22 06 08
Perihelion Jan 3 00 Equinoxes Mar 20 05 48 Sept 22 15 44
Aphelion July 4 08 Solstices June 20 23 59 Dec 21 12 04
Perihelion Jan 4 15 Equinoxes Mar 20 11 44 Sept 22 21 18
Aphelion July 4 02 Solstices June 21 05 45 Dec 21 17 47
Perihelion Jan 3 00 Equinoxes Mar 20 17 32 Sept 23 03 09
Aphelion July 6 11 Solstices June 21 11 28 Dec 21 23 38
Perihelion Jan 3 19 Equinoxes Mar 20 23 21 Sept 23 09 04
Aphelion July 4 15 Solstices June 21 17 16 Dec 22 05 30
Perihelion Jan 5 00 Equinoxes Mar 20 05 14 Sept 22 14 49
Aphelion July 5 03 Solstices June 20 23 09 Dec 21 11 11
Note: In the tables, d, h, m indicate day, hour, minute, respectively, of Universal Time.

The Sign's, they just keep on a comin!...

Texas Pastor Electrocuted During Baptism....
God don't like Microphones. How dare you get your voice so loud, so much louder than his???
A pastor performing a baptism was electrocuted inside his church Sunday morning after adjusting a nearby microphone while standing in water, a church employee said. Someone obviously wasn't paying attention when being told about standing in holy water and using the hairdryer. The CMC, or Catholic Merchandising Company, released an immediate memo assuring the world that warning labels will now be included with all communion wafers, holy water, baptizin tubs, and priest collars. The woman being baptized apparently had not stepped into the water and was not seriously injured.

Hmmm, may the Lord strike me down if I'm wrong, but I think this guy is holding pita bread!

Today's Mayan Date (really today now!)

Today is Monday 31 October 2005
Today's Maya Date:
12 . 19 . 12 . 13 . 12
9 Eb
10 Zac
2608 days until

Friday, October 28, 2005

Today's Mayan Date

Today is Friday 28 October 2005
Today's Maya Date:
12 . 19 . 12 . 13 . 9
6 Muluc
7 Zac
2611 days until

..Newton parents, however, do NOT kick ass...

..and apparently, political correctness has run amok!

"The school's principal said yesterday he acceded to the complaints of a handful of parents who said that because the school's traditional Halloween celebrations offended their religious beliefs, they would not send their children to school if the revelry continued this year."

say WHAT???? Halloween is offensive now? These people must be demon worshippers, and the fact that Halloween is a day that the monsters come out, and people dress like monsters in order to stay safe, these parent's must be offended because they are unable to get their yearly dose of Human meat!

''Not everyone is going to agree with the decision, and I really understand that," said principal David Castelline, , who last year grew a beard and dressed up as Johnny Damon. ''But I felt the goal was really important to make it a respectful and open and welcoming place for all members of our community."
Castelline, who met yesterday with the Parent Teacher Organization to explain his decision, said three teachers told him they had children in their classes who were not going to come to school if the Halloween celebration was held. The celebration, which has been going on for at least 14 years, involves teachers dressing up and lining the hallways and children making Halloween-related arts and crafts."

"Of nearly a dozen parents interviewed outside the school yesterday, none supported the decision to cancel the celebration. Several parents said they are considering staging a protest by donning costumes on Monday and standing in front of the school, fighting off the offended parents who try to eat their children."

"A recent survey issued by a shopping mall management company found that 23 percent of Americans planned to take part in a school Halloween party this year."

''It's not good," said her 7-year-old son, Jake, who is planning to dress up as a Ninja and go trick-or-treating after school. ''Last year we got a Halloween party and it was really fun."

You go, little ninja Jake! Kick some honky demon children eating ass with that ninja sword.

...That's no Scarecrow.... far for a cry for help, perhaps a move to get attention with no reward, goes unnoticed. Humans so desensitised...

FREDERICA, Delaware (AP) -- The apparent suicide of a woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said.

The 42-year-old woman used rope to hang herself across the street from some homes on a moderately busy road late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said.
The body, suspended about 15 feet above the ground, could be easily seen from passing vehicles.

State police spokesman Cpl. Jeff Oldham and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday but dismissed it as a holiday prank. Authorities were called to the scene more than three hours later when one resident's brain actually started to work.

"They thought it was a Halloween decoration," Fay Glanden, wife of Mayor William Glanden, told The (Wilmington) News Journal. "It looked like something somebody would have rigged up," she said. Yeah, someone did.


Thursday, October 27, 2005

You don't believe??..

You don't believe me? You question my knowledge? Well, fuck you! Here's who you can talk to! The true source for all knowledge. If you gotta problem, talk to her!

You are totally fucked now!

More Demon's in the white house...

Ok, True Story. USA Today ran a story about good ol' Condoclimida Rice commenting on Iraq. Well, they took this picture here, see, as the photo to go with the article.

Of course, they needed to clean up the photo, sharpen it up a bit, so they took it to photoshop, brightened the brights, darkened the darks, stuff like that. And just look at the result! Some say ghosts show up in photos. Others say the camera steals your soul. Perhaps it also reveals your secret Demon self.

Of course, some say it was doctored on purpose by USA Today, but the fact that it ran that way causes me to doubt. Her being a Demon makes more sense that USA Today going against the White House. You be the judge.

Ding Dong...

Dat Bitch is gone!!!
I'm sure the TUB will give an excellent article on the subject, but in case those fucktards forget, Dis bitch ran away crying!!!
Next up, Pooty Tang!

Today's Mayan Date

Today is Thursday 27 October 2005
Today's Maya Date:
12 . 19 . 12 . 13 . 8
5 Lamat
6 Zac
2612 days until


Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Now this guy knows entertainment...

...50 x 666: Oct. 2005. The 50th year is considered to be a jubilee year, in Biblical context-- a year of rest and celebration. But on Oct. 3 2005 there is an Annular solar eclipse that passes over the Muslim world - Algeria, Tunisia, Libya. Oct. 4 is the Jewish New Year, and also Oct. 4 is when the Muslim Holy month of Ramadan begins, ending Nov. 2. Ramadan beginning as an eclipse passes over the Muslim world is very significant in terms of prophecy, and the Muslims will likely also find it so and interpret it as a sign from Allah. Watch out for major events in the Muslim world then, and especially watch out for major Muslim terrorist attacks on Oct. 30 2005, the Muslim Night of Power Lailat ul-Qadr, which celebrates when the Koran was revealed to Mohammed, which in 2005 falls on Devil's Night Oct. 30, the night before Halloween in the U.S., indicating there is a strong Satanic energy to the Muslim Night of Power in 2005. Also, the planet Mars (war) is closest to earth on Oct. 30 2005. This all adds up to major Muslim terrorism then, Oct. 30 2005, and big trouble.

...(2) A key sign in 1998-99 that could relate to the arrival of the Antichrist was on April 23, 1998, (and also Feb. 23, 1999) when the planet Venus approached close to Jupiter in the sky. Jupiter relates to the Antichrist, because Jupiter and Thor (the Scandinavian equivalent) are said to control lightning and thunder, and the Antichrist is said to bring "fire down from heaven", which sounds like lightning. Venus having a close conjunction to Jupiter could mean Jupiter is "lit" by the close approach of Venus. There was a similar but much closer approach of Venus to Jupiter on June 17, 2 B.C., near the time of birth of Christ; the 2 planets actually appeared to merge in the sky. This could have accounted for the Star of Bethlehem legend; the 3 wise men were Astrologers, and such an unusual planetary conjunction would have had great significance for them. So, these similar conjunctions in 1998 and 1999 could mean the Antichrist rose to power in 2000 and I think he is Russian President Putin. (this guy obviously hasn't heard of good ol' Georgie W!) And note that on May 17, 2000 Venus and Jupiter also had a very close conjunction, only 4' apart, but were too close to the morning sun to be seen.

Today's Mayan Date...

Today is Wednesday 26 October 2005
Today's Maya Date:
12 . 19 . 12 . 13 . 7
4 Manik
5 Zac
2613 days until

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

7 more years.....

Enjoy it, you Bastards!!!
1. Earth's background base frequency, or "heartbeat," (called Schumann resonance, or SR) is rising dramatically. Though it varies among geographical regions, for decades the overall measurement was 7.8 cycles per second. This was once thought to be a constant; global military communications developed on this frequency. Recent reports (circa 2003) set the rate at over 11 cycles, and climbing. There is scientific proof of the Earth passing through the Photon Belt and the slowing of the Earths rotation. At the same time there is an increase in the resonant frequency of the Earth (Schumann Resonance). When the Earth stops its rotation and the resonance frequency reaches 13 cycles we will be at a zero point magnetic field. The Earth will be stopped, and in 2 or 3 days it will start turning again in the opposite direction. This will produce a reversal in the magnetic fields around the earth and so forth.
2. While earth's "pulse" rate is rising, her magnetic field strength, on the other hand, is declining. According to Professor Bannerjee of the University of New Mexico, the field has lost up to half its intensity in the last 4,000 years. And because a forerunner of magnetic polar reversals is this field strength, Prof. Bannerjee believes that another reversal is due. Braden believes that because these cyclical Shifts are associated with reversals, Earth's geological record indicating magnetic reversals also marks previous Shifts in history. And, within the enormous time scale represented, there were quite a few of them.
1. Time will appear to speed up as we approach Zero Point. A 24 hour day will seem to about 16 hours or less. Remember the Schumann Resonance (or "heart beat" of Mother Earth) has been 7.8 cycles for thousands of years, but has been rising since 1980. It is at about 12 cycles at present. It stops at 13 cycles.
2. Zero Point or the Shift of the Ages has been predicted by ancient peoples for thousands of years. There have been many shifts including the one that always occurs every 13,000 years at each half of the 26,000 year, Procession of the Equinox.
3. Zero Point or a flip of the magnetic poles will probably happen soon, within the next few years. It could possibly synchronise with the Earth's four cycle biorhythm that occurs every 20 years CONTENT EDITED FOR ASSHOLIO MURK The Philadelphia Experiment and Montauk Project (secret military time travelling) both locked up to the 12th August/20 year biorhythm.
4. It is said that after Zero Point the Sun will rise in the west and set in the east, approx. Past occurances of this change have been found in ancient records.
The Mayan Calendar predicted all the changes that are occuring now. They say we are going beyond technology and back to the natural cycles of nature and the Universe. By 2012 we will have entered the 5th Dimension (after the flip to the 4th Dimension at Zero Point).

I can see into time....

....or at least the fourth dimension, thanks to this sculpture created by this guy who is a mathmetician, college professor, and artist.

I won't even begin to speculate what this means, or explain any of it.

All i will tell you is, you HAVE to view this animation of the sculpture:
even if you don't care about it, but you like taking drugs, view it. it hurts so good.

For actual information on the sculpture, view here:

It's not the end of the world....

....Its really not folks. Just like Dr. Murk said (What? You don't read MURK?? You fucking idiot, Murk and I go hand in hand like 2 Trannies trying to figure out which one's which....I Mean, you can't have a horse's head without a horses ass. Click on his name, read the Murk, dammit!), this world will keep on spinning. Its humanity that is walking the fine line, on the edge of a cliff. And we may take all living things with us, but this hunk o' rock will probably still be here. However....

...Hell may just be around the corner folks, and we have eye witness reports that instead of sitting there waiting patiently for you bad livin' honkies to die off one by one, its coming to you. And I should probably just let it come. HOWEVER, I'm not one to generalize, and I know that there are still a few decent people that may just deserve better. NOT to mention, you have the Hobbs von Wackamole estimation that when 2012 comes and the cycle shifts, that doesn't necessarily mean that Humanity goes bye bye. But, hopefully, most of you will be gone. Anyways, I digress yet again. Hell has been spotted, and it is coming closer. People think all those wildfires are by Arson or by Accident. Pshaw, i say. It's Hell. It's coming.

But, don't you worry, friends. I have deployed my secret army: The Little Asian FireRaker Brigade. At this very moment, friends, they are beating back hell with a fury that you wouldn't believe. I'll keep you posted on this breaking story as new developements arrive.

I warned you......

That is what I am here for. I'm here to help. I'll warn you when the bad things are a'comin, and show you the right way to go. Keep an eye on the birds, I said. No More eating chicken, you are just angering them, and now disease. I told you. And I told you about the pumpkins. And its coming closer. Keep fighting folks, Keep safe. If you see something like this a'comin, run!

Monday, October 24, 2005

It must be true..

if its on the inside of a Snapple Cap!!!

I usually avoid Snapple, but since where I got lunch was all outta Nantucket Nectars HalfnHalf, and I don't drink soda to avoid the mind control drugs found therein, I had a Snapple. How was I to know I'd be treated to mind-blowing trivia, found on the inside of the cap. Titled as 'Real Fact' # 144 (if its in quotation marks, does that mean its sarcastic, like the 4 fingers, or is it real. This mystery may never be solved), I recently learned the following:

"Texas is the only state that permits residents to cast absentee ballots from space."

Hmmm, let us ponder on this, people. It must mean something.

Newton kids kick ass....

Kansas churchgoers, however, suck royally...

So, ''The Laramie Project," is a play about a gay murder victim. It was a movie on HBO. And kids at Newton High School decided to put on this play. And these wankers, Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas, actually threatened to come all this way to PROTEST! Yes, to protest a high school play.

This bunch of dirtbags, whose actual website is godhatesfags.come, claimed they were gonna make that long haul across the country for a high school play about gay people, because, well, they hate gay people, and this play promoted "the homosexual lifestyle." I asked every gay person in the world about this church, and they all said the same thing, "We hate them too!"

''We decided that if the protesters came, we would stand with our backs to them in a chain and ignore them," said a Newton South senior. These kids kick ass. Assholes deserve only one thing, to be ignored.

Lets look at a few of the other assinine things these podunk Kansas religious freeks are planning to protest, taken word for word from their own disgusting website:

Mikhail Gorbachev, at 7 p.m., Saturday, October 29, at Presser Hall Auditorium, Lindsborg, Kan.,

The Laramie Project fag play and the University of Michigan - at 8 p.m., Sat. Nov. 19, Lydia Mendelssohn Theatre, University of Michigan at Ann Arbor,

WEEK 748 OF THE GREAT GAGE PARK DECENCY DRIVE. WBC to picket the fag-infested, sodomite whorehouse masquerading as Port Charlotte High School (PCHS) - at 7 a.m., Monday, Dec. 19 - in religious protest & warning: God is not mocked!" God Hates Fags! & Fag-Enablers! Ergo, God hates PCHS and the school district, and all having anything whatsoever to do with the godless, antichristic, filth-loving abominations euphemistically calling themselves GSAs. ,

WBC to picket the "queer friendly" prom now planned for April by the Gay-Straight Alliance chapters at Tracy and West high schools in Tracy, Calif. - in religious protest & warning: "God is not mocked!" God Hates Fags! & Fag-Enablers! Ergo, God hates the sodomite whorehouses masquerading as Tracy and West high schools & all GSA fag recruiting depots.

Man, can you believe this fucking garbage? Someone needs to find the god these people worship and kick his ass.

Hmmm....What's wrong with the world today? This picture should sum it up!

lets not warp our youth or nothing.

I ain't eatin dat shit no mo'

Gee, I just can't figure out how disease can spread so rapidly amongst these birds?

Keep this up, we might think you actually have a brain....

AMAZING!!! You can actually make electricity using WIND?? Sha'ha, next you'll be telling me you can use the sun to power things. Puh-leez, energy only can occur with pollution and radiation, oil gas nucular burning shit. C'mon now!!!

Yes, some companies are actually realizing that there is more to life than oil, be it Iraqi, Mexican, or Texican. Even in the land of Texico: "Texas has sold a lease for an 11,000-acre tract in the Gulf of Mexico that backers believe could become the first wind energy farm along the U.S. coast."

Hot damn, we can make money off something that isn't even there!!!!
"The wind turbines planned by Galveston Offshore Wind, a subsidiary of Louisiana-based Wind Energy Systems Technologies, would be seven miles off Galveston Island and could provide 40,000 homes with power and generate millions of dollars for state schools."

(not sure where schools come into the picture).

"Galveston Offshore Wind purchased a 30-year lease for $10,000 a year, for the first five years. The company estimated production to begin between 2010 and 2012. The state will then receive a minimum of $4.9 million in royalties, growing to at least $14.9 million in years 17 to 30. All the money will go to a fund that pays for schools statewide." (OH!)

In a surprise role reversal, here in Massachusetts they've been trying to set up a wind farm on Nantucket sound, but have met with much resistance. "My wife Buffy and I love love love the view of Nantucket sound from our Mansion on the island. There is just no way we could enjoy ourselves drinking our martini's and looking at some Wind Farm. If it were an oil station, that would be fine, but a wind farm? Not a chance," said some Rich asshole. Can you believe Texas is going to have a windfarm before Massachusettes?? My only theory behind this is that the people opposing the Mass Wind Farm are rich and own huge property on Nantucket, thus they are probably from Connecticut, or some other Rich Asshole Haven. I bet 10 cents on the dollah that the regular folk living on the little isle that couldn't could care less about the view being tarnished, especially since, uhh, hello, its 20-30 miles from the mainland, there is NO WAY you can see it from there, all you'd see are tiny little specs. Sheeeit, I took the boat there, and saw the test tower that was put up to take readings to see if the wind farm would make sense. Shit looked like the Eiffel Tower from outer space, but not until i got CLOSE ENOUGH to see it!!! And there was no way to see it from MY MANSION while drinking MY MARTINI'S with MY WIFE BUFFY! So, to you whiney rich people, shut the fuck up and go home. Don't take this hippy environmental victory away from us.

Wow, maybe sometimes THEY do something right? What CAN this mean?

Dear Spacefarmer...

"Lets stop all tha fussin and a feudin!!!"


p.s. you can touch my special area anytime

He Touched my special area......

This guy here.....he's dead. He's been dead for one hundred and fifteen years. But apparently that hasn't stopped him from going around curing cripples! And now they might make this crazy cripple curor a Saint!! Can you believe THAT???? Do they get to dig him up to have a reception for him? I do not know. But make sense of this paragraph:

The Archdiocese of Boston has convened a secret tribunal to investigate whether a religious miracle occurred in Boston when a disabled man regained his ability to walk after seeking the intercession of a deceased British cardinal who some Catholics would like to see named a saint............Few details are known about the Boston man, a church deacon, who reported being cured, and church officials guard the secrecy of such investigations. It is not clear, for example, when the man regained his ability to walk, although it appears to have occurred in the last few years..........At the Vatican, two panels -- one of physicians, another of theologians -- will review the findings..........What the fuck is going on?

You're just, like, the best, like, ever......

In an increasingly marvelous display of brainpower, diction, and good judgment,'ve all heard by now that Harriet Miers the sea witch said Bush was the best Governor ever! Here's the actual documentation!
"Dear Governor GWB, You are the best Governor ever -- deserving of great respect! Thank you for listening and for your time this week.
At least for thirty days, you are not younger than me"

Further investigation of Mier's past, which earlier revealed her demonic existence, shows here that Miers did have a son, who was also experienced in Show business!

View the Family resemblance!

Bank robberies are so 1985

.....See these 2 idiots right here? Yup, these assholes are just plain stupid! And if you couldn't figure that out by just looking at their dumbass meathead faces, you might be wondering about the wads of Moolah they're holding. Well, these 2 jackasses decided to rob a bank in Vail, Colorado, with 2 BB Guns. Their genious escape route, a ski lift. Where did they stash the loot, you ask? A snowboard case? Dumbest move they did? Take pictures of themselves with their aforementioned Wads of Cash. What is wrong with the world today? Shitheads like this exist. And now, they exist in jail. Watch out for the poophole, fella's! Australia doesn't miss you!

Friday, October 21, 2005

So Good, I couldn't even Deal

the Murk and Malach show

It'll save your life!

download podcast here

all respect to spacefarmer, that douchebag

Hobbs von Wackamole finally learns to drive

After all these years.....

Ohhh, HAR HAR, I fell for da new website joke
how silly
never saw that 'un before!

When Bad Eggs can't take it anymore...


The Mullet and the Moustache

...Holy Crap, look at these assholes!!
Take a good look! You got a Mullet, and you got a 'stach. Oh yeah, these dudes are hot!!!!

Do you know what these idiots do for fun? HUH? Well, they freaking travel around taking pictures of their nerdy asses with Hooters girls. JUST HOOTERS GIRLS. Because girls wouldn't be caught dead with these guys unless getting some kind of monetary compensation!!

They have a website that is just photo's of them traveling to Hooters around the country. I spent about 45 seconds on there to realize this. And get this, they call themselves the Sultans of Schwing!!! That's right, Schwing!!! and have Beavis as their logo!! GOOD LORD.

And how did I find them, you ask? I googled the word Chicken! just the word Chicken. And the first pic I came up with was a Hooters girl doing the chicken dance. Well, yeah, of course I looked!!!!!

It's ON, BITCH...

C'mon. Yeah, big boy. Think yr tough? Bring it! Yeah, I'll fucking peck your eyes out! I'll infect you with disease. I'll chop off your head and lay eggs down your throat. You like eggs? HUH? Yeah, well, I drop them like I drop shit? Eat em up, big boy. MMMMMMM. Yeah!

Yes, It's True...

....And it is about damn time. All my life, I have been waiting for a band to come along with the most stunning name, a name that grabs you and shouts in your face 'This is the best band ever. Better than the Beatles, Elvis, the Stones, and the Frogs combined!!!" With intellectually conceptual album art, challenging material, composition not seen since Mozart, this band will surely knock your socks off!!

Here's the album cover for you. Amazing, isn't it? Genious! Coming to a LandFill near you.............................................................
................................................Goblin Cock!!

...No, I'm not making this stuff up. There is a band called Goblin Cock, and this is the album cover. Ah, we are such a garbage producing species, aren't we?

Thursday, October 20, 2005

You figure it out....

1. Time travel device?

2. Tower building instructions?

3. Childrens toy?

4. Sex toy with adjustable sizes?

5. Secret instructions to saving the world??

..what do you think?

New Moon on Monday....

... Apparently, Saturn has yet another moon. As reported this week, a new moon was discovered orbiting around Saturn. Of course, the press has not been clear if this moon is in fact NEW, or just newly discovered (see my open question to the press below). We're thinking the FSM has been up to no good yet again, not only changing our past, but the universe around us. Don't be surprised if it starts raining doughnuts tomorrow.

After comparing this new(?) moon to Encephilitus, another moon orbiting around Saturn, it was determined that this NEW moon is in fact much OLDER than Encephilitus. Does that mean the Encephilitus was created hours after, we'll never know. However, due to the age factor, and the fact that the crater formations resemble a nose with GIANT, "{WindTunnel like nostrels" (Thanks, YakMonkey!), this NEW moon was named Dione, after Dionne Warwick and her giant schnoz! The spelling was changed so as not to enrage Ms. Warwick and bring on her psychic wrath. We've got enough to deal with!

In related news, it has been discovered that the moon Encephalitus contains "active ice volcanoes and a significant atmosphere." Hmm...atmosphere, eh? You mean, like, we can breath there? Hmmmm....guys, lets blow this joint. Fuck Pat Robertson, the Religious Right, Mitt Romney, and Good Ol Boy GW!! Lets go colonize Ensephalitus!!! And the name itself with keep the sucka's away. Whattya say?

SpaceFarmer discovers True Love...

World rejoices, Paparazzi goes crazy, women everywhere weep!

Thats right folks, the ever beloved Spacefarmer has found his mate. Women everywhere weep, but we here are certainly happy for him!

Here is the latest picture of the two lovebirds together. Of course, being as reclusive as he is, Spacefarmer uses his mystical powers to drive the paparazzi away.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

This week's SPAM report.....

I just can't get enough of these excellent Spam subject lines. I mean, at this point, how can you even tell if they are actually Spam? I have no idea. Here are my favorites for this week:

Fwd: bernini don't (I have nothing to say)

Fwd: decor chuckle (does it creep you our when your furniture laughs at you?)

Motorized-Chair at no-cost to you! (sign me up for laziness!)

Get 500 USD Overnight! (hmmm....)

Re: beggary, Will it work out? (ask the homeless?)

Just try and compare... (I’m trying!! I’m Trying!!)

Do you love me or not? botulism formulaic ( nothing says love like Botulism)

This is the time of your life latitude damon (Set a course for Latitude Damon!!! We’re in for a P-A-R-T-Y!!!)

You left something the other night srlmyyip (I’ve been looking everywhere for my srlmyyip!!!)

The Blob has returned…

In yet another effort by Aliens to destroy Humanity in full, The Blob has returned to Earth for the third time! THIRD TIME, you ask? YOU THOUGHT THOSE WERE MOVIES, YOU STUPID PETULANT CHILDREN???? Well, You were wrong. Kevin Dillon is not just a bad actor in bad movies and Entourage, he also once assisted in saving the world.

Now, I’m sure you are all asking many questions at this point. What ever will we do? Why do the aliens hate us so much?? Couldn’t Kevin Dillon have been absorbed by the Blob, and let someone better and more entertaining save us, say Rutger Hauer? These questions, and many more, will not be answered. Deal with it.

We were able to get a brief interview with Tarmak, one of our alien enemies. A recording of the interview was retrieved from a blood covered tape recorder we found at the last known location of one or our correspondents, who will not be named so his family will not be pissed at us.

“You Stupid Insignificant species,” Tarmak is quoted as saying. “Do you know what damage you have caused in the universe?? Have you seen planet Hitler??? Its sick! Everyone with little moustaches, playing your so called Olympic Games. And that is just one small example! You have no idea of the damage you will cause in the future. We must try to stop you, to destroy you, before the Twinkie reaches consciousness. Once that happens, we are all fucked. NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!”

The rest of the tape contained horrible screaming and squishing noises. We have no idea what happened.

The CEO of Hostess would not return our request for comments regarding the mysterious Conscious Twinkie that Tarmak referred to. We may never know what the hell he was talking about.

Meanwhile, there is the Blob to think about. The Giant Single Celled Organism is freely roaming around, absorbing everything it touches. For your own sake, we recommend steering clear of movie theatres until this threat can be abolished! You know the Blob loves to feed there! At this point, the Government has taken the only logical course of action possible. Who can we send out that has the power to stop the Blob, to send it back to whence it came, but who is also expendable enough that none of us will really care what happens to him? Why, none other than Irish Step Dancer and creator of the absolutely horrific and annoying Riverdance, Michael Flatley. We cannot tell you what the outcome of this historic battle will be, but we can tell you, its damn fun to watch. So, get your popcorn and cherry cokes, and head out to watch this Battle Royal with Cheese! Just be ready to run if Flatley blows it.

Need more temptation? Here is a photo of the ongoing fight, taken shortly after it began!

Check out Flatley's moves. ooooooooh, Dancerific!

Today's boost to your ego.....

Don't feel bad about yourself.
I like you.
and things could be worse...
at least your not this idiot

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Today's Signs of the Apocalypse....

Culled from the headlines….its today’s Signs of the Apocalypse report:

Tunnels under Baltimore Harbor reopen after threat - Dear lord, the Morlocks have their tunnels back!!! They shall rise again!

Nut-cracking gorilla surprises scientists – Scientists doubled over in pain, shriek loudly!

Fresh gunfire in Russia siege town – All stale and moldy guns thrown in landfill.

China to conduct spacewalk in 2007 – Michael Jackson threatens lawsuit!

Dam threatens to flood town – see for more

And finally, and most importantly, Housecat evolves
…. A new species of feline has come to light, showing similarities to both tyrannosaurus rex and, get this, HUMANS!!! This new strain of evolution or mutation is shown here in these photos taken by news correspondent Corky Shazaam.
Note please this first photo, showing shorter front legs, more similar to the arms of the extinct dinosaur…

Now, please note in this photo how the feline actually walks on two legs, with a gate and stride much like a human!!!

an open question to the News Media...

How did you get where you are with such poor writing skills????

taken from CNN:

"A new species of flying reptile that died out with the dinosaurs 65 million years ago has been named for its fang-like teeth, British scientists said on Tuesday."

is it a NEW Species, or a Newly Discovered species?????

People are already running around screaming about fanged birds eating their young. The literacy level of the common american just can't cope with such misinformation being thrown their way. They cannot figure out what is real anymore. Hell, everytime a seagull flies by my office window, half the staff jump under their desks. So, please, clean up your act!!!

in an unrelated story, there has been a mysterious rise in pigeon carcasses littering the streets. more to come.....

Start Paying attention to the Birds….

Start Paying attention to the Birds….

Like I said about the Parrots, Birds know more than you think!
They’ve been around a lot longer than us, have a shelf live of 300 years (we only think they have short life spans because the birds we keep in captivity kill themselves due to their disgust with humankind), and secretly eat our young when we’re not looking.

New evidence of yet another meat eating bird that scientist CLAIM lived 165 million years ago was discovered. Of course, some of us believe it is still around today.

“It was about the size of an ostrich, and it was a meat-eater," said Debra Mickelson, a University of Colorado graduate student in geological sciences. "The tracks suggest it waded along the shoreline eating monkeys and young cavemen, and swam offshore, perhaps to feed on fish or carrion."

Ms. Mickelson refused to comment on this reporters questions regarding the possibility that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was in fact our God, created Birds in its own image, and invents the past as it goes along. “I have been informed by voices not to make any claims regarding that particular tru..that particular speci…that subject. I have to go now.”
When contacted for a follow up interview, Ms. Mickelson’s family informed this reporter of her mysterious disappearance, stating that upon entering her apartment, the noticable smell of spaghetti sauce was apparent.

yesterday's Sign of the Apocalypse.....

And the Seas will Boil,
And the Shopping Carts will return to their Aquarian Homeland....

Kids say the darndest things....

..and its just so cute (insert vomit here). Adults, however, when saying the same things, are just plain stupid. See Boobee's below:

Monday, October 17, 2005

Mother Nature is still pissed.

When it rains, it pours. 40 days and 40 nights never sounded so good!!! It appears that mother nature has finally gotten smart, or at least vengeful. In case you haven’t been paying attention for the past few years, good ol momma N has been striking down on us with great vengence and furious anger (sound familiar?). Last year Nature handed out hurricanes like McDonald’s hands out Big Mac’s, and it shows no signs of stopping. Plywood replaces glass as the normal substance used for windows. Canoes replace cars. Soon enough your car seats will be able to be used as a flotation device.

This year has been no better. We’ve got tsunamis and earthquakes worldwide. We used to have New Orleans. Now, we have Venice, LA!

To those of you religious nuts who claimed it was God’s revenge on the gay and corrupt city, please note that one of the main areas that was NOT destroyed by the hurricanes was the heavily gay populated French Quarter (thanks to the Daily Show for informing me of that one)!
Sadly, on the flip side, those of us up North who were enjoying the destruction of the Bush loving South, thinking this was Natures revenge on them for the past 8 years (Made sense, hit Florida first, where they screwed everything up, then just keep on punching away at the South!) well, we got handed our hats this past 2 weeks by insane rainstorms and flooding everywhere! Hey, Wait, I know. We can blame this on the people who voted in Mitt Romney as our Governor. Who invited that asshole anyways? Mitt, take your son Tagg, grab a boat and life preserver, and float away. No one asked you, and you obviously know you you’re not wanted!!

But I Digress… Batten down the hatches, folks. We’ve got another storm a’comin!!! Tropical Storm Wilma is brewin up her bedrock maddness, and may soon be ravaging the aforementioned ravaged Gulf Coast. Maybe we can get rid of Texas with some good old fasioned erosion!!! That’d be neeto. Lets get the Mexican Canal, connecting the Atlantic and Pacific, solving our illegal immigration problems, and giving sea salvage boats something entertaining to dive for. Texas!!! “Check it out, captain, we just pulled up a stone plaque of the 10 Commandments.” “Great. Throw it in the pile with all the others.”

So, get ready folks. Be Prepared. It shows no sign of slowing, and there is just no way of knowing where Nature is going to nail us next. Build your bomb shelters and stock up on the necessities of life.

Let this picture remind you of what is important. He’s an inspiration to us all. You see here everything you need! Go forth and conquer!!!