Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Blob has returned…

In yet another effort by Aliens to destroy Humanity in full, The Blob has returned to Earth for the third time! THIRD TIME, you ask? YOU THOUGHT THOSE WERE MOVIES, YOU STUPID PETULANT CHILDREN???? Well, You were wrong. Kevin Dillon is not just a bad actor in bad movies and Entourage, he also once assisted in saving the world.

Now, I’m sure you are all asking many questions at this point. What ever will we do? Why do the aliens hate us so much?? Couldn’t Kevin Dillon have been absorbed by the Blob, and let someone better and more entertaining save us, say Rutger Hauer? These questions, and many more, will not be answered. Deal with it.

We were able to get a brief interview with Tarmak, one of our alien enemies. A recording of the interview was retrieved from a blood covered tape recorder we found at the last known location of one or our correspondents, who will not be named so his family will not be pissed at us.

“You Stupid Insignificant species,” Tarmak is quoted as saying. “Do you know what damage you have caused in the universe?? Have you seen planet Hitler??? Its sick! Everyone with little moustaches, playing your so called Olympic Games. And that is just one small example! You have no idea of the damage you will cause in the future. We must try to stop you, to destroy you, before the Twinkie reaches consciousness. Once that happens, we are all fucked. NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!”

The rest of the tape contained horrible screaming and squishing noises. We have no idea what happened.

The CEO of Hostess would not return our request for comments regarding the mysterious Conscious Twinkie that Tarmak referred to. We may never know what the hell he was talking about.

Meanwhile, there is the Blob to think about. The Giant Single Celled Organism is freely roaming around, absorbing everything it touches. For your own sake, we recommend steering clear of movie theatres until this threat can be abolished! You know the Blob loves to feed there! At this point, the Government has taken the only logical course of action possible. Who can we send out that has the power to stop the Blob, to send it back to whence it came, but who is also expendable enough that none of us will really care what happens to him? Why, none other than Irish Step Dancer and creator of the absolutely horrific and annoying Riverdance, Michael Flatley. We cannot tell you what the outcome of this historic battle will be, but we can tell you, its damn fun to watch. So, get your popcorn and cherry cokes, and head out to watch this Battle Royal with Cheese! Just be ready to run if Flatley blows it.

Need more temptation? Here is a photo of the ongoing fight, taken shortly after it began!

Check out Flatley's moves. ooooooooh, Dancerific!


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